Why I hate customer service calls!!

Part 1: Determination

The sun was shining, and the weather was fair. It was a good day to do those admin tasks that I’d been putting off. Once done, I was going to do some real work. After that, I was going to go for a walk to the shops and get something for dinner. That’s what I was going to do. I was moving out of my house in a month and needed to cancel some utilities. Monday mornings are good times to get admin-like things done. One of them was my internet subscription. I made a fresh cup of coffee and planted myself in front of the computer. I navigated to my service provider’s website. I was hoping that I could cancel my subscription from there. I dreaded having to call customer service because I hated calling customer service!

I clicked on the FAQ page of the website to educate myself on the procedure but found nothing. I tried searching: “How to cancel my subscription?”. The results presented two choices: “Sign up for our service” or “Manage your account”. I clicked on the latter which took me to the customer login page. I proceeded to log in using the information saved in my browser. After inserting my password (whatever that was) I got the on-screen message: “Your email address or password was incorrect”. I thought that was strange but not particularly uncommon. I clicked the “reset password button” and waited for an email. Five minutes had passed, but nothing entered my inbox. Usually, the email arrives within a minute but not this time. I tried clicking the reset button again and waited another five minutes. By this time my coffee cup was half empty and I had forgotten what I was doing. “Oh ya! Cancelling the internet”. I clicked the reset button again but all that entered was emptiness.

Part 2: Denial

Another five minutes had passed but with no results. Confused, I got up to make another coffee. I thought that a strong dose of caffeine might help to kick-start my brain. “Ok, brain, now it’s time to get to work” I assured myself. I copied the company email address and began searching my inbox for any emails from them. I checked my junk box, spam box, trash bin and all the other folders but found nothing. I checked the filtered and blocked emails but also found nothing. I started questioning my sanity. Did I use a different email address? Did I change providers? Did they delete my account and not tell me? I still have internet, right? I am still paying for it! Am I really here or is this a simulation? No, pull yourself together man, this is happening. But just to be safe, I’ll click the reset button one last time. Still nothing…

In a last-gasp attempt, I tried another search query: “Why can’t I log in to my account?” I got two choices: “Reset your password” or “Call customer service” Fear and dread took over; the blood ran from my face. I fell to my knees in desperation and screamed: nooooooooooooooo

Please don’t make me call customer service!!! I hate customer service calls!!

Part 3: Anger

I had a new strategy: “AI is getting pretty smart right?” I said to myself. I’ll try asking the chatbot for help. I opened the chatbot panel and wrote “Hi”:

CB: Hello customer, how can I help you today?
Me: I can’t log in to my account.
CB: Have you tried resetting your password?
Me: Yes
CB: Have you tried searching in our FAQ page
Me: Yes.
CB: Can you provide me with your customer number?
Me: No.
CB: Do you have an account with us?
Me: Yes
CB: Can you provide me with your customer number?
Me: No, I told you that already.
CB: How can I help you?
Me: I can’t log in to my account.
CB: Have you tried resetting your password?
Me: Yes, I did you idiot I already told you that…
CB: I’m sorry I can’t help you. Please contact one of our customer service representatives.
Me: No, wait. Sorry, I can’t log in to my account because I need my customer number.
CB: I’m sorry I can’t help you, please call this number to contact customer service.
Me: Noooooooowa!! I don’t wanna!!
CB: Thank you. Have a nice day.
Me: No, dumbass. You didn’t f-ing help me!
CB: Don’t forget to rate your customer service experience.
Me: Get F*cked Asshole. I hate you.

“Ok, breathe, it’ll all be fine,” I told myself. And with that, I picked up the phone and reluctantly dialled the customer service number. The automated voice led me through a maze of number-pressing options, none of which applied to my unique situation. Finally, I was prompted to wait for the next available customer service representative. I put my phone on speaker and made a third cup of coffee. I began pacing back and forth from one end of the kitchen to the other while being condemned to the unholiest of hold music hell. It was a tinny instrumental version of George Michael’s “Careless Whisper”. It played for 45-second intervals and was periodically interrupted by a prerecorded automated voice message which I mockingly replied to under my breath like an insolent child, confident that no one was listening on the other end:

AV: “Your call is important to us,”
Me: “If my call is so important, why don’t you answer it?”
AV: “To better help your process please enter your account number followed by pound”
Me: “Ya thanks lady, I would if I knew what it was”
AV: “You can also visit our website to find answers to your questions.”
Me: “Ya, right. Your website is as useless.”
AV: “You are number 15 in the queue.”
Me: “Shut up!”

Tin-strumental “Careless Whisper” played on.

Every time the voice assured me, my time in the queue was getting closer, my frustration grew. I was just about to make my fourth cup of coffee, feeling like I was the boiling pot ready to spill over. Suddenly, the speaker crackled with the undeniable sound of the customer service representative picking up.

Chapter 4: Bargaining

It was as if a great weight had been lifted. My time had come. The soothing voice of an actual human person spoke:

Jacob: “Hello, my name is Jacob. How can I help you today?”
Me: “Hello Jacob, my name is Andy. I have a few problems I need help with”
Jacob: “I’ll see what I can do.”
Me: “Great! I need help logging in to my account and I need to cancel my subscription”
Jacob: “Did you know you can do this by logging in on our website?”
Me: “Yes, but I can’t log in.”
Jacob: “Have you tried resetting your password?”
Me: “Yes, but I’m not receiving an email.”
Jacob: “What is your customer number?”
Me: “I don’t know my customer number because I can’t log into my account”
Jacob: “OK, what is your address?”
Me: “Oh, oh, I know this one!!”
Jacob found me in the system and relayed to me my customer number. “Great! Now we’re getting somewhere” I thought to myself.
Jacob: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”
Me: “Yes thanks, I need to reset my contact information so I can receive emails”
Jacob: “I’m going to put you through to my colleague, please hold”.

Careless Whisper started playing again. “I hate customer service calls!!” I muttered to myself.

Chapter 5 – Depression

While pondering how little I was actually going to accomplish that morning, I began to speculate who I was being forwarded to. I had a friend who worked in a customer service call centre once and he explained to me how they work. He told me that customer service call centres have different tiers of representatives. The first-tier people are who you talk to first (clever right?). They are the lowest-level reps and fairly useless (no offence Jacob). They are responsible for answering questions and forwarding you to people who know how to do stuff. Tier two representatives are the tech support team with the knowledge and skills to resolve complicated problems. Tier three reps are generally comprised of developers and engineers. They are the most experienced and are in contact with the management when making big decisions. Or something like that. I can’t remember. It was many years ago when he told me this and things have probably changed since then. It’s probably Googleable. I was trying desperately to think about anything else to escape the nightmare that was once a cherished George Michael slow dance smooching song when I was in high school but now has become my telecommunications purgatory. Suddenly the sadness was interrupted:

Darpinder: “Hello, my name is Darpinder.”
Me: “Hi Darpinder, my name is Andy.” There was a long uncomfortable pause.
Darpinder: “How can I help you today?”
Me: “Didn’t Jacob not tell you why he was transferring me to you?”
Darpinder: “No sir, he didn’t.”
Desperation crept out in the form of a deflating sigh. Regaining my composure, I re-told my story followed by my account number.
Darpinder: “Have you tried resetting your password?”
Me: “Yes but no but…”
Darpinder: “It is no problem, please hold.” In an overly jovial tone.
Me: “No, Darp, please don’t go! Stay on the line with me! I need to hear you breathe. I can’t be left alone again. I can’t stop the thoughts.”

But by then it was too late and as the music started, so did thoughts. Why don’t customer service people inform the guy they are transferring you to what the issue is so we don’t have to keep repeating it? I mean they’re probably sitting in the same room together.

Maybe even in the same row of cubicles. Jacob could simply lift his headset, turn to Darpinder and say “Yo, Darp. Gotta dude her who’s too stupid to log in. Can you reset his email and password?” I hate customer service calls!!

Darp came back on the line:

Darpinder: “Hello sir, I have reset your contact information and sent you an email where you can reset your password.”
Me: “Super duper and thanks a million.”
Darpinder: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”
Me: “Yes. I still need to cancel my subscription.”
Darpinder: “Ok sir, I’m transferring you to my colleague who can help you with that. Have a good day sir.” Click.

Chapter 6 – Acceptance

Like a regretful one-night stand creeping swiftly and quietly out your bedroom window, Darp was gone, and I once again left with “Careless Whimper”. Fifteen minutes had passed before I realised where I was and what I was doing. Still, without a resolution, my energy drained away. I had accepted the inevitable wait. Depression melted into a heavy resignation. “Why me?” I wondered, slumping in my chair. The phone, now a burden, pressed against my numb ear. My once passion-filled “Careless Whisper” karaoke had dwindled to lifeless monosyllables. The hope that had fuelled my earlier eager efforts of doing admin stuff today was now a barely flickering ember. Suddenly, the representative scheduled to take me on the final leg of my harrowing journey was on the line. My sherpa’s name was Anni or Amy or Abby, whatever – we’ll call her A for now because I’m too tired to care:

A: “Hello sir, how can I help you today?”
Me: “Just kill me… “
A: “I beg your pardon, sir?”
Me: “Oh Hi, I need to cancel my subscription.”
A: “Would you like to move your subscription to another address?”
Me: “No thanks, just cancel it.”
A: “OK sir, were you aware that you can manage your account from our website?”
Me: “Oh really, I didn’t know that.”
A: “I can do it for you here but there is a one-month cancellation wait from today.”
Me: “OK, that’s fine.”
A: “You will also be required to send your router back to us. You can find the details on our website.”
Me: “OK, thanks, bey”

My voice was flat and emotionless. What’s her name hung up her phone and I hung up mine.

I had journeyed through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, arriving at a reluctant acceptance. It was just past noon; my coffee cup was empty and I needed a drink. To commemorate my ordeal, I played the original “Careless Whisper” now eternally known as the soundtrack to my suffering, on the speaker.

I was just about to blurt out: “I’m never gonna dance again” when a call from an unknown number interrupted George. I reluctantly answered the call. “Hello?” It was an automated voice message: “Your call is important to us. Please take 2 minutes to rate your customer service experience. Press 1 if…..”

And with that, I hung up the phone, lifted the glass to my lips and mumbled to myself: “I hate customer service calls!!”